When I LOL at online dating photos.

Dating can be fun and exciting. Divorced for 3 years now, online and offline looks pretty grim.

I'm not complaining about the service, dating rituals of this era (sorta) but the fact men in my area are looking  more freakish-y Morlock sub-creatures from The Time Machine (also a great book.) That's why dating your first cousin or sister isn't good. Or sister-cousin?  Mom-sister? (shrugs)

Hey! Can I buy you a drink?

As I visit my online dating profile in a small general amount of browsing, what the hell is up with non-smiles, laundry in the background, Black n Mild, dark mafia glasses, weird chest hair and half of your face pictures?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL---SHIIIEETTT!!!

When I cruise through the "quality" all I can do is laugh, snort and giggle til my eyes bug out, throat hurting and bowled over in pain. Pain of looking at your photos.

Short rant: Since social media dominated our world, technology is great basically awesome but noticing narcissism is on the rise...let me say, ITS HERE!  The "ME" look is out of line and very trashy. End of rant.

Do many ladies a favor, start asking a buddy to take a decent picture of you and smile :)


Reasons why I laugh:

Tell it on the mountain crazy lady, umm Ms. White.

• Nobody doesn't want to see two week old laundry in the background.
• A reflection in the mirror casting what's in your house ex. old chairs, stack of video games, your bong etc...
• For some of you with pictures of your precious daughters and sons meowing how beautiful they are.. I have children too and true for divorced and widowed; children come with the package but lying about how gorgeous they are obviously you're in DENIAL(blame your DNA  or ex). There's a reason why not introducing your children early in relationships.
• Picture of an ex or gaggle of women around you as the main profile photo (Your basically an automatic pass) we're not jealous but you look very pimpish and not over your ex. Tyrion Lannister the imp of man pulls this off flawless and still get a main squeeze.
• LONG ASSED descriptions when you could have summed it up in one paragraph.  You wrote a fuckin novel, for pete sake. Notice this with Alpha males, love you but geez sensory overload!
• When your subliminal descriptions shouts ASS I WANT ASS NOTHING BUT JUST SEX HIT AND QUIT IT!  I have no problem with this and nothing wrong with being direct you just want the coochie and that's it. To use pretty words sweet talking for ass, its terribly funny. 
• The typical "I'm serious but deep thinking pose" photo. EPIC FAIL, sooo 1992.
• Let's wear a funny hat with Viking horns, ragged out clothing but I'm not materialistic & have a great sense of humor. YAWN!!!!  Old Navy do have wonderful sales if you're price conscience.
• "I work out but in the photo finished three cheeseburgers, cheap beer and heavy breathing like Biggie" IM:  (wink) You're good looking and strong says no woman ever. Stop lying to yourself. You're overweight. Working out means going to your car, turn the key, put pressure on the gas to your favorite burger joint.  Go find that piece of onion stuck in the crack of your underwear...if you can.

• I throw peace sign pose but over the age of 35 really over 30 and work a professional job.  My daughter's generation throw peace signs ALL THE TIME on photos. Unless you found Doc and Marty Mc Fly in the 60's sped back in the Delorean to 2014 then I give you credit.  

• Good looking all American boy next door taking a photo on his bed. Yeah I can see women falling for that shit,  looks very inviting no lie but do you wonder if he didn't wash those sheets from the chick he banged last night? Did you eat a sandwich heavy with mayonnaise in the middle of the bed?  French kissed the pillow? Still find that sexy?
• One picture says "Hey I'm cool and look fly" then the next "I'm serious holla at me ladies or kill you."  The same face, pose, angle but a change in style/object/facial expression. TWO different people  inside ONE person.

He's so cute

ARRGHH WTF??? Is that the same guy?

• I use Photoshop graphics like half naked women, thunder bolts coming out of my hands, dead cow skulls background and a lone wolf howling at the BIG ASS MOON . Again, we like your geekiness and know you're an avid reader of Heavy Metal but you can't channel Lord Raiden's power, half naked women aren't around you unless you live at home with mom and conjuring up demons and angels from a parallel dimension is not your strong suit. 

FINISH HIM!!!!

• Finally, be yourself. Women love confident men.  You don't have to do all kinds of crazy stuff on your photos, write outlandish crap, keep reiteration how much you LOVE THIS AND THAT and bore us to tears. Women have preferences too, yes we do judge (GASP) but your character is mainly what we like. Some like money, some like extreme model good looks, some materialistic, some just whatever.

But when your photo is the corniest, craziest and zaniest ways you can think to impress AND have us view your profile, she is laughing at you.

We still love ya though! <3

Have fun dating!

Please NO SELFIES and BATHROOM PIC.

Brick is tha MAN!

*Disclaimer: Personal perspective with the local men in my area, not the 49 consecutive states in US and Europe or what country you reside. Because that shit is HIL-ARIO-US!!