I hope everyone had a great start in 2013, well I didn't. Mine went about with uncontrollable crying, anger and anxiety. Rewind three days later.............
I had a wonderful day at work Saturday. Pretty boring at the store but did some dressing on the wall mannequins, flirt with home biscuit (remember I'm flirty not trying to go out with him), laughing and going about with my coworkers, the typical day. When going out to lunch with "Eye Candy" hahaha, Lucifer, oops I meant Sevyn's dad called letting me know that he was going to drop off my son at the store. After work, Eye Candy chatted with me of course I let him know that my ex-husband was dropping off my son. Not saying he's gonna do some dumbass stuff but letting him know that he's pretty dang weird about me swirling (not that's a secret) and he doesn't know if he's my boyfriend or coworker (trust me, I wouldn't have a current boyfriend hanging around for a child drop off.) Nothing to think of right? Not for him! The cougar jokes flew like crazy, that's why I turned off my phone in that second of leaving the parking lot. Somehow his presence and giving me a cordial half hug to keep the peace for my son, set off a traumatic episode. Sunday morning, I wasn't feeling the best of moods and getting irritated at the slightest silliest thing. I went on to sleep for almost the whole day. Monday morning came, still irritated but getting angry and wishing death on my ex-husband. I'm not mean but this wasn't my "typical" thinking patterns. I had to take a breather and went out for a while with the kids for shopping and enjoying each other on New Years Eve. In the grocery, my kids as always kid and joke around, this time it wasn't funny nor amusing. I even try to have fun but the mood never shook out of me. I went home feeling empty, lost and hopeless. I've never felt so alone even though I had a conversation with my coworker about meeting up, due to the rain and slick roads and me having a drink, too dangerous. I rather have safety than trying to do something in the rain with the drunk drivers on New Years Eve night. After watching a bunch of movies, posting some M83 videos on Fakebook, I tried my best to get to sleep. Tears rolled down my face, feeling all kinds of gale force emotions and they wasn't good either. Me being a typical Pisces, we love to live in dream world, all of 2012, been living in reality so far, not bad. Of course, intense moments where I have to deal with situations without falling apart or running away. But I learn to conquer them, one step at a time. New Years Day, my brain hurt, my mind was in a constant battle with good and evil. I cooked breakfast and let my daughter take over. A simple task was too daunting for me to do. I drank two cups of coffee, my appetite; non-existent, everything irritated me, couldn't take it any longer. Viewed Prometheus and The Dark Knight Rises, couldn't watch them with the best intentions. The sun isn't out, last time was Saturday evening when I told it good bye before dusk settled in. My desire to call anyone is beyond my comprehension. It's like I crawled into the void and never to return again. I took a hot bath, dressed and went to bed. Falling in and out of stasis of sleep, I felt the bad emotions lurking around trying to find dark corners to slip, remain hidden until the time comes when my happiness is at a high alert. Finally I fully woke up, rested but still wondering about myself. I called my father in the room. That shocked the hell out of him! LOL. I told him about what was going on and he said " That's why we left you alone to rest, we knew you didn't feel good." That change of me telling him what was going on was the first mark of me changing. I'm usually good at hiding my feelings but this wasn't the time, its serious. I do have my coping bouts with depression and on meds. But this episode was far more different that the couple of hours of dealing with a mood swing from time to time. Looking up depression and what more coping skills that I can use when dealing with this, something stopped me.
PTSD
Post-traumatic stress disorder can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or make you feel helpless.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm
Oh boy! :/
My beautiful brain started to connect the dots after this extensive overload of this traumatic episode. It's because I seen my ex-husband and gave him a half hug, my brain started to panic. I notice how slightly drain my body when exchanging my son into his care, speaking to him on the phone or in person. Because of the domestic abuse that endured during the marriage and having a nervous breakdown, my body & mind targets him as the prime directive of my mental state. I strive for a healthier mental state and since 2012 its gotten better than I expected but this episode, gotten the best of me and need to seek out to my physician & counselor about this. I wouldn't self diagnose myself with PTSD but 9 out 10 of these symptoms do exist. That's why people that are in toxic situation have the choice to leave to be free or stay and endure the constant pain and mental anguish. Nobody doesn't have power over you when you make them your master but this is a different animal and I have to tame it. PTSD is associated with war veterans like my grandfather who witness and fought in the Korean War, rape survivors, anything that involves a traumatic experience. Mine seem to have caught up with me stemming from childhood and with the physical, emotional and mental abuse of my marriage put the final nail in the coffin so to speak.
I started writing in my journal book purchased past summer and my last entry was June. That's a long time!! January 1st is the first entry since then. Not cool to start the new year with a pang of sadness, I'll live and do everything possible to cope and manage this. I'll try to document my emotions in my journal as best as I could. Feeling a bit better, I ate something and played with the children. Only six days before starting back work, I'm gonna miss having all this free time. At least I seen some movies, enjoyed the holiday without thinking about sad memories of my mother, spent time with my daughter more..gosh she's growing up! Five years, she'll out of the house attending college or going to massage school. Massage school is going to be her first priority to start and later down the road, flourishing into a career of her choosing. She needs a good moral support team behind her and mom will always be there to cheer her on. My daughter understand what's going on because I told her. She have the right to know and the ability to process mother's mood swings. I told her I have to live with this for the rest of my life and I have the power to control it. There's no stopping me now! :)
If any of you guys or yourself wrestle with depression, PTSD or any mental illness please seek the help! Don't be ashamed of it. I'm not, if I was I wouldn't share this with you. I couldn't work on projects these past days because of this. But I did see Django Unchained and The Hobbit. LOL...Good movies, waaayyy different spectrum of film genre and quite satisfied with paying my $8.00.
Having this unsavory discovery, has me striving for a better mental health for myself in 2013.
But I will leave you with this:
I ended my New Year's night with M83 "Steve McQueen."
and this:
I love Gene Wilder as Wonka but this right here POW! I couldn't do more than agree and laugh at the same time. And I'm quite terrifed of guns and raised around them since being on a farm.
Make 2013 as joyous and happy that you can make it without any mofo raining on your parade.
Love & Blessings!
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